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By Dr. Bruce T. Marshall
June 13, 2010
A ritual is defined as a customary practice: a prescribed way in
which we do things. Ritual usually refers to religious ceremonies,
but it can refer to other activities that we do in a similar way
each time. Like how we observe holidays—or birthdays. Or how we
approach everyday activities. There are mealtime rituals, bedtime
rituals, rituals for starting a project, rituals for how we
entertain, rituals for greeting visitors and saying goodbye to them.
Amy is from a New York Jewish family. I am from a Midwestern family.
We grew up with different rituals. Such as, how we greet other
family members. What does a New York Jewish family do when they
first get together? They hug. Same thing when they leave: they hug.
But Midwestern families don’t touch, let alone hug—at least, mine
doesn’t. We stand there and say “Hi,” or “Bye.” I’m still not used
to all the hugging that goes on in Amy’s family. In Europe, the
ritual is different still. What do you do in Europe when you arrive
at a party or a family gathering? You go around and shake hands with
everybody who’s already there. Then when others arrive, they do the
same.
Families develop rituals, sometimes without actually intending to.
In our family, we read to the children when they were in bed, right
before going to sleep. We got through all the Harry Potter books, a
few pages a night, plus a lot of other ones too. Our youngest
daughter particularly insisted on being read to at night—said she
couldn’t sleep without it. We got trapped in our own ritual which
didn’t end until our daughter was staying up later than we were, and
we finally said, “Enough.”
I was talking with a woman this past week, and she mentioned a
ritual that has developed around birthdays with her grandson. She
found that she didn’t know what to get him as a present for
birthdays. So they worked out a plan in which she designated a
certain amount of money, and the two of them went to the store, and
he picked out a gift. Then they would go out to lunch together. This
grandson will be 20-years-old tomorrow. He still wants to do that.
But now the gift is less important than having this time to himself
with his grandmother.
Children often recognize rituals before the adults do. They’ll say,
“This is how we always do this.” This is how we do Christmas. This
is how we do Thanksgiving. Maybe one year the adults will
inadvertently change something. Then the children will say, “No,
this is how we always do this.” The occasion doesn’t count unless we
do it right. In our house, it’s not a birthday without signs posted
throughout the house offering birthday wishes. It’s not Christmas
without cocoa first thing in the morning. It’s not Thanksgiving
without a turkey and without pumpkin pie. One year when I was a
child, my father came up with the bright idea, “Let’s have a ham
this year for Thanksgiving.” A ham? On Thanksgiving!? I remember
that as the year without a Thanksgiving.
Some rituals are carefully planned. Others just happen. You don’t
realize what you’re doing until you’re doing it. As our children
grew older and wanted to go out at night, a mealtime ritual
developed, particularly at weekends and during vacations. They were
all present for dinner—that was important to us: to have dinner
together. But once dinner was finished, they were free to go out.
Often, each of the four kids would head off in a different
direction, and Amy and I were left alone. Not a bad thing.
So rituals bring coherence to our lives: this is how we do things.
They also help define our identities: this is how we do things. And
they give us ways to express what we value: we value staying in
personal touch with each other and perhaps express that through the
daily ritual of a shared meal.
Some rituals have special meaning; they connect us to our spiritual
lives. Jewish families light a candle for their Friday evening
meal—at sundown when the Jewish Sabbath begins. That simple ritual
of lighting a candle announces a transition from secular life to a
time devoted to spiritual concerns. It also connects this person or
this family to a tradition of lighting a candle at the Sabbath meal
that goes back thousands of years.
Christianity has splintered in ways that Judaism has not and so
different rituals have developed for those of different groups
within the Christian church. Catholics have the sacraments and a
highly complex worship service. Quakers have a very simple ritual:
waiting in silence together for the spirit to be expressed among
those who have gathered. Protestants have Bible study. Religious
liberals have rituals of service: doing things for others.
What about Unitarian Universalists? What rituals have developed
among us that express our values and offer ways of connecting to our
spiritual lives? How are connections made between the life of this
church and what occurs the rest of the week?
Some of our families have spoken of how the rituals of our Sunday
morning service are expressed throughout the week. Such as, the
children—and the adults—practice the signing for “Spirit of Life.”
That’s expressing a value, a sense in which the “Spirit of Life”
stays with us, in good and difficult times. “Spirit of Life, come
unto me. Sing in my heart all the stirrings of compassion.”
Or the children sing “Go now in peace” when they are go somewhere or
when a visitor leaves. “Go now in peace. May the love of God
surround you, everywhere. Everywhere you go.” It’s a lovely
sentiment to carry with us.
Or maybe you’ll find yourself humming a tune and not quite know
where it comes from and then, oh yes, we sing that in church. This
past week Amy said, “There’s this song in my head,” and it turned
out to be the one going through my head at the same time. Kind of
weird. It was one we sang last Sunday. “Gather in peace, gather in
strength, gather in sympathy now and then. Gather in hope,
compassion and strength.” Or maybe “From you I receive, to you I
give.” That ever come to you in an odd moment? It does for me.
Unitarian Universalist values affirm appreciation, gratitude. And so
some UU’s have created rituals for their families to practice in
their homes that emphasize such values. Perhaps a ritual of
reflection at the end of a day, naming something they are thankful
for. Or at mealtimes: words of gratitude or perhaps simply holding
hands and a moment of silence.
Unitarian Universalist values celebrate respect for people, for
trying to understand how others view the world from their own
experience. And so one UU family makes it a practice to pay
attention to the news and what people are saying and doing. And then
asking, “Is that what we believe about how to treat people? What
would be a better way?”
Another UU family draws upon the Seven Principles we use to
articulate what we believe and what we stand for—the ones on the
back of our order of service. There are seven principles; there are
seven days in a week. So each day, this family highlights a
principle, talks about it, tries to understand what it might mean to
them on that day.
Once I had an apartment that looked out into the sky. At dusk, when
light turned to darkness, I would pause and light a candle. That
seems to me a magical time, a time of transitions—a time to pause
and reflect—also a potentially dangerous time. So the candle
represented the light that we bring into the darkness. Rituals help
us weather transitions.
In our services each Sunday, we light the Flaming Chalice. When
there is a children’s worship service, they also start with lighting
a Flaming Chalice as do some other events here at the church. It
signals the start of sacred time, the creation of sacred space. And
so some UUs have a Flaming Chalice in their home which they light
for special occasions. Maybe it signals a time set aside to talk
about important things. Or perhaps lighting the Flaming Chalice
creates a quiet time, an opportunity to go deeper than is usual in
our everyday lives.
During our picnic that follows this service, we have materials for
you to make your own Flaming Chalice, should you wish to do so.
Something you can bring home with you—a reminder of your church
community and the values we stand for.
When you light it, you might say special words, like these included
under “Chalice Lightings” in our hymnal.
May the light we now kindle
Inspire us to use our powers
To heal and not to harm
To help and not to hinder,
To bless and not to curse,
To serve you, Spirit of Freedom.
June 6, 2010
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