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By Sheri Verdonk
July 25, 2010
What does your hat look like? Is it well balanced so that a gust
from the Winds of Surprise will not knock it off? Do you change your
hat often? There is nothing so forlorn as a hat that is battered and
rumpled because it has become unbalanced from being worn too long or
a hat that simply sat on the shelf, unworn.
Rev. Lucinda Schersing, Usui and Karuna Reiki Master
Only when we become shrewd enough to see beyond our labeling; which
is the outward appearance of things based on our past memories, can
we penetrate into our self - which is the one who is shrewd, the one
who labels, the one who holds such strong opinions, and the one who
loves and hates. Only then do we come to an understanding about
everything in the universe, including our bodies and minds. Only
then do we understand that they are innocent and cause no problems
whatsoever. And only then do we understand that they all have the
same characteristics; namely that they all change, that none of them
have a "self" standing behind their obvious appearances, and that it
is only our perceptions of our own "self" that cause our stress.
E. Raymond Rock, meditation teacher at the Dhammabucha
Rocksprings Meditation Retreat Sanctuary
I Am by John Clare
I am: yet what I am none cares or knows,
My friends forsake me like a memory lost;
I am the self-consumer of my woes,
They rise and vanish in oblivious host,
Like shades in love and death's oblivion lost;
And yet I am! and live with shadows tost
The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person
you were intended to be.
Oprah Winfrey
"Sometimes, when you're following your own
truth and voice, it's scary," Shriver says in her speech. "But
that's the only thing you can do, if you're living your own life,
and not someone else's life, is follow your own truth." Maria
Kennedy Shriver when endorsing Barrack Obama
Who am I really under all of these hats? You all might say that I
took that literally as I am, if nothing else, a wearer of hats. But
no, I was thinking more of the figurative. The expression “wear many
hats” is a metaphor for having many jobs, fulfilling many roles.
Sometimes, these “hats” are worn concurrently with a blurry line
between when one hat is off and the other is on and no real focus on
the individual wearing the hat.
This talk was inspired by my mother because something she said made
me look inside myself. It was further reinforced when our youngest
went to a residential boarding school and one of the major hats I
wore was retired if only for a minute. I found myself cracking just
a little. Lost and a little adrift, because I had spent so much time
as a therapeutic parent, mom and wife, I didn’t know me. My mother
was just chatting away as she is given to doing and said you know I
like my life now, people only know me as Ms. Smelley. They don’t
know I have three kids or that my husband was a former military man.
I like it, I have a name. I’m not Sheri, Michele or Stephen’s
mother, or Ulysses’ wife, I’m Maggie Smelley. I play piano for two
churches and several choirs and I live alone and for the first time
in my life I have my own identity. She had found herself under all
the hats she had worn for so many years. She subsequently reinforced
this revelation with the discovery that music is her passion and
that without it she wouldn’t know what to do. Music, she said was
air. She couldn’t imagine life without music the same way she
couldn’t imagine not breathing.
This resonated with me because after living for six years with a
child whose severe issues color everything and everyone in the
entire family, living my life as the wife of a Diplomat, trying to
find my niche as a parent and needing to create a life for me in new
and foreign lands as well as right here in the good old U S of A, I
was at a loss. I needed to know who I was, really, under all of
these hats I wear? Can anyone here identify with that feeling?
As a wife and mother, especially a mother to a child with severe
emotional issues, in addition to a teenager in high school who is
increasingly becoming more and more independent, I have found myself
wondering who I am, what I like, and what makes me happy. Does this
sound familiar? I do what I do to the best of my abilities but have
I satisfied my soul? What about you? Do you feel you are there under
all your hats, but not really for yourself?
For those of you at a crossroad in your life, or just overwhelmed
with life and its responsibilities have you ever pondered this? In
this day and time of box checking, label wearing, role playing,
career changing, multi tasking, I feel an identity crisis coming on,
juggling a lot of balls in the air, “whew!” Just who am I? I have.
I most recently became the Director of Support for a National
organization called the Attachment and Trauma Network (ATN). I often
advocate self care which is important to the well being of all
caregivers whose family responsibilities for children, partners or
aging parents are all consuming. These caregivers are all things to
all people but usually nothing to themselves. Self care, in case
you’re wondering, is doing something for yourself. Nurturing that
inner you or better yet the outer you too.
Lately, I have been a
single parent, therapist, landscaper, plumber, volunteer, chauffeur,
chef, maid, party organizer, English language facilitator and wife
of a diplomat currently serving overseas. A friend asked me a simple
question she said, “ Sheri what do you like to do in your spare
time?” “What is your favorite (you fill in the blank) ? What do you
do for you?” It was then that I had the realization that I didn’t
know. I had no clue about myself. I do a lot of things for a lot of
people most of which I get joy from (more than a few that I don’t) I
could tell you any member of my families likes, dislikes or
favorites but I couldn’t tell you my own. Who am I really beneath
all of these hats? Moreover, my doctor said, you need to factor in
exercise to reduce your blood pressure as well as monitor what you
eat and I’m like “I walk the dog for an hour every day at least.”
The Doctor responded, “No that is exercise for him, what do you do
for yourself?” and my first response was “who has time and how can I
squeeze that in between carpools and errand running.” Again, I was
making myself last in the equation of hat wearing.
Hopefully, these revelations start the fire burning in your own
being?
Sometimes it takes a crisis in your life to make you sit down
and take stock of who you are and where you are going and the mark
you leave on your family, your community, your world. I know that
the seeds for me were planted then. When I survived my illness only
to then be faced with parenting a child with severe challenges it
made me reevaluate who I was and what did I really want out of life.
Moreover it made me look back to what I had accomplished up until
that point. When you go through the trauma of illness or stress or
come face to face with your own mortality, you begin to see that
roles or hats are just that, one part of the greater whole. It is
the core you, the inner spirit that radiates to the outside, that
passion that needs to be nurtured. That is the real you. It is this
passion that connects you to the people you meet, that energizes you
and fulfils you through the tough times and causes you to make your
mark in your world. Moreover, it is that passion that comforts you
in times of stress and fuels you when your energy is nonexistent, it
is that core self that drives you to be you under all of those hats
you wear.
So how do you find your passion, your core you? I wish I could tell
you that by the end of this talk you’ll have the answer or that I’ve
already found it, but I can’t. I’m still a work in progress with
hills and valleys as I too seek to find my innermost self. There are
days when I am connected to my innermost self and I feel armored for
whatever I may encounter. I have indulged in something fun or just
pleasurable, just for me.
Sometimes for me that could be journaling,
networking for some charitable group, or some random of act of
kindness I’ve either given or have received, that fuels my inner
core. But then there are other days when I am just juggling balls
and switching up hats, overwhelmed with all that life throws at me,
where I can’t see the forest for the trees and that core fire is
just an ember. Those are the times when I don’t know who I am. Those
are the times when I need, as we all do, “our music”, our air, that
thing in our life that is ours and ours alone that soothes and
comforts us in stressful times, but also allows us to have clarity
of mind to energize us and move us to a more satisfying and
fulfilling life making our marks in our homes, in our communities as
well as self satisfaction with our own contributions in life.
Getting back to my mom’s inspiration, you don’t have to wait until
you reach a milestone like your 30’s, 40’s, 50’s or more, your nest
is empty or retirement is approaching in order to discover the you
that is ever present beneath all of those hats. You can find it now
or at least be aware that it exists, if not a bit buried under a
layer of hats. Oprah calls it living your best life and she has made
a fortune helping people do just that. Ekhart Tolle says “give up
defining yourself – to yourself or to others. You won’t die. You
will come to life,” and Life Coach and author Gini Grey says “When
people connect to who they are underneath their roles they feel
whole and complete no matter what transpires in their life.”
Ms. Grey says we should start with letting go of the past and
starting fresh in the present moment. Whose suitcase are you
carrying? She says and I agree, that we have to let go of old
baggage, past conditioning, judgments and resentments and trust that
you are more than your roles, beliefs and stories. Holding on to the
negative energy of past injustices or the feelings of sacrifice
stymie your journey to self discovery. Begin to think of yourself
and your own needs. Make self care and self love a priority. You
could even begin with a minute meditation. I believe it was Maria
Kennedy Shriver on Oprah who acknowledged that her journey to self
awareness began with a minute meditation before she started her day.
This minute was crucial and sacred. That is what we all need, time
for ourselves that is crucial and sacred. As we carve out time for
ourselves and create space for introspection and meditation we
become aware of the me that lies beneath the hats we wear. To quote
Ms. Grey again “As you practice letting go, your body will be more
energized, your mind more peaceful and your soul free to shine
through and light your way in life.” I think of it as shedding the
weight of the roles we take on that may be more than we can bear on
any given day or if not more than we can bear, enough to make the
frame sag a little.
Self care is the key. For my own part I have begun to take little
steps towards making myself a priority. Have you? Important aspects
of self care on the road to finding you under your hats are
exercise, organization, and modification of your habits. Now, I make
sure that my dog walks are at least one 45 minute to an hour walk,
where I can breathe and reflect instead of a quick do your business
and go home. When do you program time for reflection? I began to
take notice of what I ate and realized that coffee was my
predominate source of sustenance. So, I now strive to eat a more
balanced diet with healthier choices. Does this sound familiar? Does
my pattern remind you of someone? Maybe you? I am also trying to
better organize my days so that I am not constantly putting out
fires but instead I am basking in the glow of a well stoked
fireplace. This isn’t always doable, but it is at least a goal. I am
also trying not to dwell on situations that I cannot change, but to
understand the true issue, accept my part in it and realize I cannot
change anyone else who may be involved. I try to learn from past
mistakes, take pride in my successes and use these situations to
move forward with power in life.
I am striving to carry only my own
suitcase filled with useful and productive things that will enable
me to live comfortably and contribute to those things important in
my world.
If self care is the key then self love is the lock. Sometimes the
many hats are masks to keep the real you at bay like a padlock. Or
maybe that is what society tells us. We fill our lives with
activities and responsibilities to keep from being alone with
ourselves. We are perhaps a bit afraid to be alone for fear we won’t
like what we see. Moreover, we are not in touch with what we as
individuals want in life so we pass through with our roles and
obligations. We are defined by those roles, unaware of our true
selves. I have had moments like that when I have wondered why I fill
up time with volunteer activities and extra responsibilities and why
I put everyone’s needs and desires ahead of my own. Have you? But it
is during those times when I assess what I am doing with how it
makes me feel. If I look forward to these activities and feel a
sense of pride in my accomplishments and joy in the tasks at hand
then I know I am fueling my inner me. Can you say the same? If I am
saddened when I miss an opportunity to participate or get excited
with anticipation despite how tired I may feel then I know that this
“something” is touching that inner me and is something to be
nurtured and appreciated.
So who am I under all these hats I wear? Like I said I’m a work in
progress. What about you? Or are you juggling many hats, ignoring
the you that is underneath. Have I tweaked in you a reminder that
YOU are important? In the course of preparing this talk I have seen
with my own eyes how life in general has most of us wearing a hat or
many hats and it is not until a milestone is reached one even lights
the fire of self awareness. Retirement and empty nests are standard
triggers as are illness and life changes. I am more than the success
or failures of my children or a reflection of my husband or parents.
I am not just the friend whose ear you can bend or the volunteer you
can count on. I have a name and interests. So do you!
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